Kelly & John 2 Mum 0

Because John is a well balanced lad he has three girlfriends, a blonde called Kelly, a brunette called Rachel and a red head called Marie, or as John would say ‘Keyee, Wach and Mahee’ followed by ‘yahoos’ and much head slapping. He is besotted by them and has them all wrapped around his little finger.

Keyee hasn’t yet broken the news to her new boyfriend that he is in competition for her heart. I am sure that Adam number 2, as he will be forever known, will be won over by a couple of moisty cheek licks and a raspberry, from John that is not Kelly… .but who am I to say what they do in their own time!

He pinched Wach and Mahee off  his ‘brothers’ James and Adam, who fair play to them don’t seem to mind sharing their gorgeous girls with John. Sometimes he even gets to have Wach & Mahee together and nearly keels over with excitement.

I will forever have etched in my memory a vision from last bonfire night. John was sat on his bed, Wach one side of him holding his hand and singing ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ to the accompaniment of bangers banging  and rockets whizzing, while Mahee sat the other side holding the play station handset on vibrate because John likes it balanced on his head, and why not.

They were watching a video of  the previous years firework party….weird I know…. he does this every year….meanwhile his camcorder is on the windowsill recording the fireworks being set off in the garden by James & Adam. As a reward for their undivided attention Wach & Mahee would each receive a very loving headlock when they least expected it.

This weekend John was delighted to learn that Keyee would be spending all of Saturday with us. I too was looking forward to it even though I knew that anarchy would reign. When Keyee comes to visit, the two of them gang up on me and mayhem ensues.

On Saturday morning John was up early on a Keyee hunt.  Was she in the wardrobes? ….no….the shower?….no…. the downstairs loo?….no….’Mum, Keyee now, please, yesssss’ shouted John as he banged doors and flushed the toilet in disappointment. I explained that she would be arriving at eleven o’clock, pointing to the big silver clock John brings home with him to put up in his room.

In order that he didn’t miss her arrival John took his ‘Biiig Cock’as he calls it, off the wall and carried it around with him under his arm checking it at regular intervals. Well you would wouldn’t you!

After what seemed an age to John, eleven o’clock arrived with his Keyee following behind. She was licked, hugged, headlocked and tickled into submission until she gave him the sweets she always brings with her. We all piled into the car and set off on what has become known as  ‘The Saturday CD Hunt’. Kelly has form for trying to convince John to buy ….I can barely say it….’S Club 7 ‘ cd’s, fortunately I have always managed to talk him out of it.

John was way too excited on the train, whooping and hollering at the top of his voice and scaring sweet old lady’s to death. I apologised profusely and checked their pulses just in case.

John decided he wanted a Bryan Adams cd…Yes! that’s my boy, none of this ‘S Club 7’ nonesense.  We headed for the trio of smelly shops to see if Bryan ‘The Groover from Vancouver’ was lurking within. He kept bumping into people as he skipped and lolloped along the pavements at great speed while I tried to hang on to the back of his sweatshirt. ‘CD, Biyan Adm, Yesss’ he shouted at passers by, incase they were wondering.

I like to think that for the most part, I have instilled in John good taste, well in most things anyway, particularly music. Who am I kidding. All of that goes out of the window on the occasions when John is in the company  of Keyee and on a cd hunt to boot.

He barged into the shop slapping his head and jumping up and down. Keyee helped sort through the cd’s but alas Bryan Adams was no where to be found. I suggested an Ibiza Club Mix which he was just about to take when Kelly found an ‘S Club 7’ cd and John nodded, yahood and giggled.

‘Mummy, John wants this cd, don’t you Johnny boy’ she said in triumph.

‘Noooo, you don’t want that rubbish John, do you?’ I replied waving the Ibiza cd in the air, confident he would see sense.

‘Yesss, Ess Cub Thevn’ chortled John The Traitor.

Kelly and John jumped up and down together in the shop cheering,  I looked at the assistant and said quietly ‘She hasn’t been to the sea side before’ and nodded knowingly. ‘Ahh bless, I hope she has a nice day’ she replied sympathetically.

It hurt having to hand over the 99p for the ‘Ess Cub’ cd, but we were soon on our way barging, yelping and apologising along the pavements to the remaining two smelly shops. Sadly Bryan wasn’t hiding among any of the cd’s in the second shop or indeed the third one, although the third one did win the ‘Odour Of The Day’ award.

As I was holding my nose against the Armpit and Mortuary aroma, John and Kelly were rooting through a box of cd’s seemingly unaware of the smell. I must have more sensitive nasal passages.

Kelly then held up a cd, John looked at it, nodded and handed it to me. I couldn’t believe my eyes….’Girls aloud’ …..’Nooooo please John noooo’ I protested.

‘He loves Cheryl Cole , don’t you John’ said Kelly The Conquerer.

‘Yesss Johnelmo, Shel Ole’ agreed John The Traitor.


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