The Perfect Present

I was woken up on Saturday morning by an extremely loud thunderous noise, it sounded as I imagine being in the middle of an earthquake would sound, except for the addition of one familiar noise ; Johns hysterical laughter and screeches of pleasure. I groped for the clock, it winked at me and said ten past six. I groaned and made a mental note to buy the neighbours more wine and flowers by way of an apology. They really are very understanding. Johns current obsession, apart from the ‘S’ boat of course, is watching aeroplanes. Big, loud, and as many as possible. He has become a regular visitor with his enthusiastic support worker, to Liverpool John Lennon Airport. He does however also love to watch videos of both Liverpool and Manchester airports on YouTube. This was where my early morning alarm call was coming from.

John was on the computer with the speakers on full volume watching an Emirates airline plane forging down the runway and taking off. It was so loud the speakers were vibrating in time with the floor boards, John was flinging his arms around trying to slap his head but due to his excitement slapped mine instead.

‘Ouch! John turn the noise down NOW’ I shouted as the plane continued its ascent ‘ the whole house is shaking, and its not funny’

‘Plane…yeeehaaaa….noise mum, mo biiig yesssss’ John explained, completely missing the point as well as his head and  explaining that he liked the noise and would prefer it even louder.  ‘Mo biiig’ is John speak for ‘same again but louder, higher, faster’and so on. I must point out however that  when this rule is applied to sausages then ‘Mo biiig sossys peas mum’  literally means that he wants bigger sausages and more of them. Now then back to the problem at hand, my eardrums.

I wrestled with John to try and turn the speakers down or YouTube off but he was too quick for me and I was the recipient of an extra firm bear hug which pinned my arms to my sides and rendered me useless. John giggled, hooted and licked my cheek. Twice with added goo, lovely.

‘John please let go of me’ I pleaded ‘it’s only ten past six and the noise is way to loud, now come on and be a good lad’

‘Burdy, air po peas mum yesss yesss’ he nodded to emphasise his request, completely ignoring mine.

‘Let me go now please and we can talk about your birthday, if and only if, you turn the sound down. ok?’

John felt it important to point out that his birthday was only two weeks away, in case I wasn’t aware. He’s good like that.  ‘Burdy fifeen seeps’  he said rubbing his cheek softly up and down against mine, tickling me with his eyelashes and mooing in my ear. He does this as a show of affection. I usually love this gesture but its not quite the same when you are being squeezed to death. ‘Please… let…go…’ I wheezed as John continued his fluttering and mooing, whilst in the background another plane took off safely.

Just as I was turning from puce to purple John released me from his bear hug or strangle hold, there’s not a great deal of difference. I turned the volume down and warned John not to turn it up again, in fact better still that he should plug his head phones into the speakers. He did as he was told this time and sat transfixed at the aircraft. I could tell from the crescendo of giggles and hoots when ever one took off.

Throughout the day John felt it necessary to make sure I knew exactly what he wanted for his birthday. ‘Burdy fifeen seeps’ he reminded me again at tea time, nodding and holding five fingers up. ‘Yes I know, you’ve already told me, several times’ I replied ruffling hair and trying to kiss him without success.  ‘Air po Libubub’ said John, again nodding  and waving his hand around like an aeroplane . ‘Oh, you want to go to Liverpool airport on your birthday, yes of course John, its your day.’  ‘No. Burdy, air po Libubub’ he said, frowning and rocking. ‘Yes, I have just said ‘yes’ you can do whatever you want, we will take you to Liverpool airport for the whole day if you like. You can even have fishcake and chips from the van in the viewing park.’ I was thinking the fishcake and chips would be an added bonus. John started groaning and gurning, something he does when I am not on the same wave length. He looked at me as if I was a few aircraft short of a fleet, shook his head, slapped it and then pressed his forehead onto mine. he does this when he needs to get a point across.  He tried again. ‘Burdy. Fifeen seeps. Air po Libubub.’ I was by now cross eyed as its so hard to look at someone at such close quarters. ‘Am I missing something John? ‘ I enquired, squinting. He started humming,  

I tried again   ‘Ok, here this out, in fifteen sleeps its your birthday and you want to go to Liverpool airport. Right?’ The humming got even louder, obviously not quite right, ‘Oh yes and you can have fishcake and chips, and birthday cake!. I added the birthday cake into the mix in case that’s what I was missing. The mention of cake brought John out of his trance like humming ‘Cake yes!’ he shouted. ‘Great stuff’ I shouted back ‘cake and lots of it John’  Well it was going to be his birthday so what if he puts on  half a stone in fast food and sponge cake.

I was glad that I had finally got the day sorted out. John on the other hand wasn’t convinced. ‘Burdy fifeen seeps…’ I interrupted him ‘yes! yes! I know John we don’t need to keep going over and over it’  Constant repetition, while being necessary for John to make sure things are going to happen as planned, for me it is torture. It can be the same sentence for an entire day and its draining. I always feel guilty when I try and stop him from doing this. However today he was a man on a mission. ‘Burdy, fifeen seeps, air po libubub. ‘  He then took my hand and pulled me into the lounge. He patted the floor where the Christmas tree stands, not now obviously, only at Christmas! This is also where he likes his birthday presents to be.

‘Libubub air po ere’ said John nodding and patting the rug for all he was worth. He then added ‘Fishcake and ships’ incase I forgot.

It all became horribly clear, he wants the entire airport, wrapped up and on the rug……’aha, right, aha, well John, the good news is that you can definitely have the fishcake and ships here on the rug, but as for the airport, weeeell……….you had better ask your dad’

Sorted…over to you then John’s dad, good luck with that one!







4 thoughts on “The Perfect Present

  1. Oh fantastic! Can I leave my boys requess with Johns dad too? Hahaha oh your words alwayd bring the loudest sound of laughter to my room! You are a treasure and so is wonderful John! He does deserve extra biiig Sossys you know! hahahahaha xxx

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