Whats got eight legs and no ears?

I have just waved John off with his dad after another wonderful weekend, the house now feels empty and is as quiet as a tomb. My world spins slightly off its axis once he leaves and I have to dig a bit deeper to find a smile.

Right that’s enough self indulgence, let me share a brief story which happened this morning. I was going to write about his adventure on the S Boat, and I will, this is just an aperitif the main course will be along soon.

As you know John brings so much stuff with him on his weekends home that we have to pile it all into a huge plastic toy box. There is also lots of other things which won’t fit in, like 2 video cameras in their squishy protective bags, a tripod and two smaller boxes; one with video tapes and the other with music cassettes and video cartridges. Anyway come Sunday morning I spend a great deal of time on my knees, not in prayer you understand but trying to find all the things that should go back into the box but which have mysteriously disappeared since his arrival.

I know this is sounding a bit disjointed but bear with me, you know what I am like for going off at tangents, it is all relevant honest….. For John to fall asleep he needs as much noise as possible so he sleeps with an old knackered black radio cassette under the duvet which has seen better days and no longer plays tapes. Infact the tape compartment door has long gone and the inside bits are dangling out like tentacles. The radio still just about works but gives off lots of static white noise. I don’t know how he can bear it especially as he listens through his headphones. I always turn it down but he turns it back up again in his sleep! There are also various baby lullaby lightshows wound up and throwing colourful shapes all over the walls and ceiling whilst Brahms lullaby competes with the static noise. This weekend he brought home one of his talking toys, a cow which when you press it’s hoof it shrieks ‘I am a giggling cow’ and then laughs uproariously for fifteen very long minutes. You would be forgiven for thinking that you were experiencing an LSD trip. Not that I ever knowingly have, although there was one very strange incident that happened in a pub in Liverpool many moons ago when my drink was spiked and  it wasn’t too unlike the goings on in Johns bedroom.

Right back to packing up the box. John was under the duvet, fully clothed and pretending to be asleep. He was failing miserably as he had the cow with him and had clearly challenged it to a giggling competition, it was too close to call who was in the lead. I unplugged the old black radio cassette and plonked it in the box which was still fairly empty due to so many missing toys. The plonking movement must have dislodged something because as I was about to put the power lead next to it,  an enormous house spider crawled out from behind the mangled workings of the tape compartment. It looked a bit dazed and was rather shaky on it long hairy legs. Well it would be, it had been stuck inside it all night with all that noise going on and was probably deaf by now. I crawled backwards trying not to yell, I am petrified of spiders but wouldn’t kill one. The spider waved its huge front legs around, probably trying to find its ears to check they were still there. Do spiders even have ears?

John doesn’t seem to be bothered by creepy crawlies but I didn’t want to alarm him by my screams of fear. I needed to find something big enough to cover it, then I could chuck it out of the window. I sound braver than I was but murdering harmless creatures is just not my thing. I managed to stand up without falling into the box but before I could move, the spider scuttled noisily to the other end of the box and I let out a shriek. Bloody hell it was fast. John and the giggling cow emerged from under the duvet to see what game I was playing,  all the noise obviously meant it was one they should be involved in.

“It’s ok John, just a little spider made mummy jump” I explained shakily pointing at the enormous hairy arachnid that was still waving at me.

“Pider” yelled John giggling away and being the kind boy that he is he decided to share his favourite toy with it. He lobbed the by now hysterical cow into the box and killed the spider stone dead.

R.I.P Incy Wincy




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